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about

Originally released in 2000 on CD and is now available online for the first time.

I wrote this song for Amanda Fox, who died of cancer in 1999 at the age of 26.

I first met Amanda in Halifax, when I was 14 when my family moved to Canada. I had such a massive crush on her but I had no idea what to do about it. I was really shy and I thought she was way out of my league anyway. But we became really good friends. A few years later, she moved back to her hometown of New Brunswick and we lost touch. Then, when I was 17 or 18, I was playing a show at a bar, and I heard a familiar, sweet voice "Mikey!". I turned around and it was Amanda! We started dating shortly after that. I felt like the luckiest person in the world.

In our early 20s, we both needed to get the hell out of lil ol' Halifax where virtually nothing was going on. I was already deep into music and Amanda didn't know exactly what she wanted to do but knew she wanted to explore her life and find out. My bandmates and I were pretty set on moving to Toronto but Amanda was drawn to BC. Although BC had a cool music scene at the time, Toronto was really exploding. Amanda agreed that Toronto was a better choice for me. It was a difficult decision to split ways but we both felt that we'd eventually end up together and this might be a good thing for now. We maintained a long-distance, open relationship and coordinated visits back to Halifax as often as we could to be together. It was sometimes difficult, but we were always honest and open with each other about everything and there was zero jealousy between us.

When we were apart, we'd talk on the phone sometimes but more often, we'd send each other letters. Wonderful, hand written, physical letters on paper. This was before the internet was really a thing, let alone email or texting. This was also way before everyone was walking around with an HD digital camera in their pocket. The album art is a photograph of us on Halloween mid-90s in Halifax with some super last-minute thrift store costumes. No idea what they're supposed to be but I remember I had vampire teeth and Amanda did something with my hair and put makeup and lipstick on me. Behind the photograph is one of the letters she had sent me.

Then, one day Amanda called me. She had cancer and was going back to Halifax to be with her mom and undergo treatment. I dropped everything and went to Halifax to be with her. Every single moment we spent together was precious. I found all the courage I could to be supportive and joyful, but inside I was terrified. One day, she asked me if I would marry her. Of course I said yes. I suppose we could have gone and gotten legally married that day, but it felt more like a promise we were making to each other that everything was going to be ok. We did joke that if we were in Vegas, we would have gotten married right then.

Then, the most amazing day. The cancer went into remission. After spending some more time together, I went back to Toronto, with Amanda's blessing, while she stayed and recovered her strength with her mom, saying we'd see each other again soon.

I wrote this song for her at this time, when I returned to Toronto. The song is a bit about this time, but more than anything it's about how crazy I was about her and how amazing I thought she was.

Shortly after that, the cancer came back. The doctors told her that the chances of surviving this were practically zero. Amanda went to P.E.I, with her mom to live out the remaining few months of her life.

I was beyond destroyed. There are no words. The only thing that got me through this was the thought of Amanda's strength and love.

My band at the time 'Soho Kitchen' recorded and released the song. It features the wonderful singing of my dear friend Michal Bandac. Michal absolutely adored Amanda. No one else could have brought these words to life the way he did. On bass is Trevor Bedard and on drums is Darren Shearer, later to become the founding member of the kick-ass band 'The New Deal'. I'm on guitar.

On the commercial side of things, the song was licensed to 3 huge compilation albums. They were marketing / promotional CDs, one by Molson Canada and one by Telus, I forget what the 3rd one was. Over 300,000 CDs were sold as part of these promotion campaigns. If these types of releases counted towards Nielsen sales data, it would have meant they went triple platinum in Canada. I know Amanda would have been proud of her idiot musician boyfriend.

I love you every day Amanda. Thank you for teaching me about love and about life.

All of the proceeds from sales of this song will be donated to the Canadian Cancer Society.

lyrics

ANYWAY

Feels like I got myself in a heart wrench
Feels like I got myself in a heart wrench

Anyway,
I canʼt say
How you made me feel that day
And I donʼt know
But I guess it shows
Never felt this way before

Dancing in the sunlight, Iʼm so blessed
Drinking in the moonshine, Iʼm so drenched

Anyway,
I canʼt say
How you made me feel that day
And I donʼt know
But I guess it shows
Never felt this way before
And anyway,
I canʼt say
how you made me feel that day
And I donʼt know
But I guess it shows
My heart is wrenched It overflows with you

‘Cause you change everything
And you make it seem
Like the moon comes up
At the crack of dawn
And it turns me on
So I wrote this song
And you make it seem
Like the moon comes up
At the crack of dawn
And it turns me on

Never felt this way before

credits

released January 8, 2021
Mikey Dorje - Guitar
Michal Bandac - Vocals
Darren Shearer - Drums
Trevor Bedard - Bass

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Mikey Dorje Montreal, Québec

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